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Benefits of Positive Thinking

Creating a Positive Habit of Mind

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act but a habit.” – Aristotle

I often use this quote to explain the importance of making positive thinking a habit of mind. Many people tend to overthink everyday stressors to the point of automatic, negative thoughts. This often leads to an increase in both emotional stress, and physical health concerns as well. In my experience working with negative thought patterns, sometimes referred to as cognitive distortions in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), clients tend to magnify or catastrophize  their reality. For many, this leads to behaviors that are emotionally and physically destructive. Increased irritability with friends, family, co-workers,…and often poor sleeping and eating habits ensue and are seemingly related to a negative thinking and stress pattern.

When I initiate positive shaping exercises with these clients, their general mood begins to brighten, they sleep better, eat better, relate socially better…the list goes on. Creating a positive habit of mind is important to helping a person live a more balanced, happy life. I first use the analogy of the glass half empty or half full to illustrate the principle; however, I do not stop there. A more positive thinking reality is to put your glass under a water source (i.e. - positive, enriching behaviors) until it fills up. A full cup or self-fullness represents being at one’s personal best. It is from this position that we get the most out of positive habits of mind. When at our personal best, our behaviors represent an intimate knowledge of our personal needs, and allows for a metaphorical overflow of positive behaviors. Others receive these positive behaviors and tend to reciprocate. In process there is a cycle of self-fullness, of happiness for everyone.

A few of the ways that I promote these behaviors is through exercise and mindful breathing exercises and relaxation techniques. The aim is to become more present or aware of self as negative thought patterns float away.  During these exercises I encourage smiles at the end of a cleansing breath. It truly begins to lighten your mood and tension – others notice too!  I encourage these practices daily. I also encourage a 30-day positivity chart. The client writes down at least two positive affirmations (day & night) on a blank calendar or in some other document. After 30 days, there are at least 60 positive affirmations to concretely challenge the typical three or four negative stressors in one’s life that take up much of their energy. I have found that at least a 3:1 ratio of positive to negative thoughts and/or behaviors in a day begin to push a person to a more positive habit of mind and subsequent emotional and physical benefits. After 30 days, you have a concrete reminder that things can generally be very positive vs. very negative. The increased awareness is often enough to create positive change in life.

Quick Bullets for Creating a Positive Habit of Mind:

• Surround yourself with positive people
• Resist or positively shape negative thinking
• BE POSITIVE YOURSELF (self-fullness)
• Exercise & good nutrition (treat yourself well)
• Use relaxation, meditation, and mindfulness to balance
• Have an attitude of gratitude (be thankful for the special things that are in your life)
• Turn adversity and challenges into opportunities for learning and growth
• Increase positive thoughts daily by using a chart or journal
• REPEAT!!! (DO POSITIVE THINGS OVER AND OVER UNTIL THEY ARE HABIT)

Intimacy Therapy for a Long Term Love Relationship (LTLR)

Over the last decade plus working with couples, I have found that after the "honeymoon stage" of marriage (usually the first couple of years), when all types of intimacy seem to be healthy, there is a gradual increase in tension. This tension is not necessarily bad if the couple makes time to openly communicate their needs to each other. The problem is that the tension is often driven by the emergence of disappointments in various individual traits for each partner. You literally began to see things about your partner that simply irritate you, or maybe things you truly do not like at all. Other responsibilities that take time away from the growing marriage relationship (e.g. - job duties or career aspirations, relationships with other family members - sometimes intrusive, children...) can further increase the tension and displeasure. Over time, the marriage relationship begins to grow further and further apart. Communication is typically strained by the blame-defend cycle of interaction. When one spouse initiates a discussion with a blame, the other then feels the need to defend. This leads to a cycle of defensiveness that can become destructive to the relationship (low conflict intimacy).

In my work with couples, I emphasize the importance of making time for the relationship. I teach the concept of LTLR as coined by Dr. Steve Solomon and Dr. Laura Tegano of the Relationship Institute in California. Intimacy Therapy includes three primary areas of intimacy that a couple must attend to for a LTLR.

• Self Intimacy - the awareness of one's thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs as they positively express them to their partner.
• Conflict Intimacy - the couple's transparent sharing while respecting their personal differences and the tension that results. 
• Affection Intimacy - verbal, actions, physical, non-sexual and sexual expressions of one’s caring, love and admiration for the other person.

*I also add Spiritual Intimacy - connecting with your spouse through your faith or spirituality.

Dr. John Gottman, has indicated that how a couple fights is a strong predictor of how their marriage will go. He uses the term The Four Horsemen: four behaviors that are strongly correlated with divorce, particularly if they have become permanent features of a relationship.

1. Criticism - a general put down of a person's character, not just a specific complaint
2. Contempt - conveying a sense of disgust
3. Defensiveness - preparing to stand one’s ground in conflict without fully considering the other person
4. Stonewalling - tuning out or disengaging from communication (likely the husband 85% of the time)

The Four Horsemen, blame-defend communication, and other tensions require a lot of each spouse's energy be devoted to their relationship growth. When the couple realizes that differentiation can be a healthy and enriching part of the relationship (acknowledgement and respect for the unique qualities of each individual), they are more likely to deal with the tension through positive communication and behaviors. This must be intentional throughout the LTLR. One client recently reminded me that the word intimacy suggests, for each partner, Intimacy (IN-TO-ME-SEE).

Valentine’s Day is Over: Now What? How to Keep Love Alive 365 days, not just 1!

In the past week, several of my clients, both individual and couples, have asked or said:

“Why is Valentine’s Day only one day in the year?”
“I don’t believe in celebrating Valentine’s Day because it should be year round”
“I like feeling special, but I would trade one day for more consistency”

As a relationship expert, I support a special day to honor the love between people; however, for a long term love relationship (LTLR), you must display positive love behaviors on a consistent basis throughout the year.
Here are some quick tips for making the love last 365 days!
1. Take time to understand your personal needs (self-intimacy), and those of your partner

2. Prioritize WE time, but enjoy time apart as well
3. Speak your truth – “say what you mean and mean what you say”
4. Keep your promises
5. Leave petty/small arguments exactly that, small
6. Communicate concerns without blaming your partner
7. Resist defending yourself when concerns are raised; listen with the intent to be influenced
8. Increase variety – do something different to spice things up
9. Show appreciation for what your partner contributes to the relationship,
10. Be forgiving – you both will make mistakes, learn from them