Over the last decade plus working with couples, I have found that after the "honeymoon stage" of marriage (usually the first couple of years), when all types of intimacy seem to be healthy, there is a gradual increase in tension. This tension is not necessarily bad if the couple makes time to openly communicate their needs to each other. The problem is that the tension is often driven by the emergence of disappointments in various individual traits for each partner. You literally began to see things about your partner that simply irritate you, or maybe things you truly do not like at all. Other responsibilities that take time away from the growing marriage relationship (e.g. - job duties or career aspirations, relationships with other family members - sometimes intrusive, children...) can further increase the tension and displeasure. Over time, the marriage relationship begins to grow further and further apart. Communication is typically strained by the blame-defend cycle of interaction. When one spouse initiates a discussion with a blame, the other then feels the need to defend. This leads to a cycle of defensiveness that can become destructive to the relationship (low conflict intimacy).
In my work with couples, I emphasize the importance of making time for the relationship. I teach the concept of LTLR as coined by Dr. Steve Solomon and Dr. Laura Tegano of the Relationship Institute in California. Intimacy Therapy includes three primary areas of intimacy that a couple must attend to for a LTLR.- Self Intimacy - the awareness of one's thoughts, feelings, desires, and needs as they positively express them to their partner.
- Conflict Intimacy - the couple's transparent sharing while respecting their personal differences and the tension that results.
- Affection Intimacy - verbal, actions, physical, non-sexual and sexual expressions of one’s caring, love and admiration for the other person.
- Criticism - a general put down of a person's character, not just a specific complaint
- Contempt - conveying a sense of disgust
- Defensiveness - preparing to stand one’s ground in conflict without fully considering the other person
- Stonewalling - tuning out or disengaging from communication (likely the husband 85% of the time)
The Four Horsemen, blame-defend communication, and other tensions require a lot of each spouse's energy be devoted to their relationship growth. When the couple realizes that differentiation can be a healthy and enriching part of the relationship (acknowledgement and respect for the unique qualities of each individual), they are more likely to deal with the tension through positive communication and behaviors. This must be intentional throughout the LTLR. One client recently reminded me that the word intimacy suggests, for each partner, Intimacy (IN-TO-ME-SEE).
